PERSONAL//: [missing my brother]

i always miss my brother but some days are just a little harder than others. most of the time i'll just shed a few tears thinking about how much i miss him and how i wished he were still with us but then i brush it off, which normally last less than a minute. the other times are when i just can't shake it and i have to literally cry myself to sleep, which is really rare.

i've never thought negatively about him passing, well i take that back.. i have and sometimes still think "why him?" but for the most part i just cry out of missing him and wishing he was still here with us living his life. but I'm so grateful and thankful that he was such a trooper and fought every step of the way. even towards the end when things started to get worse he still stayed strong. he told me that he accepted his fate and that he found god. we're not a religious family so when he told me i was shocked... but i thought to myself i hope I'm as strong as he is at the very end.

growing up i never thought something like this could ever happen. i took for granted assuming he was going to be around until we got old. i thought that when mom and dad passed we'd be going thru it together and that he'd give them grandkids so i didn't have to feel pressured to. it saddens me when i think that i don't have any siblings and that now it's like I'm the only child. but i have wonderful, amazing friends and one of  them even told me that her and her siblings could now be mine. which i feel so blessed.. i honestly couldn't ask for better friends. 

i've said this before, but something so sad and tragic allowed me to find who my true close friends are. THANK YOU! you guys know who you are. it might be a very short list, but its quality not quantity. LOVE YOU!! xoxo

[for those of you that dont know, my older brother lost his flight with lymphoma at the age of 28 on january 04 2007]